NEWSFLASH

CLUBBING IS BACK

Following the successful trial of a 3000 strong club night in Liverpool, the government has green-lit further social events, starting with the much-missed post-shift “OK I’ll Come For A Quick One But Not Having A Big One Alright Fine Yeah Let’s All Head Back To Mine Should We Get A Bag In I’ll Grab A Couple Bottles Of Wine From The Corner Shop Oh God Is It 6am Already Fuck It I’ll To Straight To Work.”

MISSING: BARTENDERS

The government has launched an enquiry as owners of UK bars struggle to find staff post- lockdown. Over 20% of the UK’s fourth biggest work force have either left the country or retrained in other industries because of Brexit, furlough not covering service charge, long hours, poor conditions, and basically being totally fucked over forever. A UK hospitality spokesperson said in a statement “well, yeah duh”, and added one of those suspicious squinting emojis.

#FOLLOWMYDOGGY

The Government has agreed to debate whether a minister should be appointed to oversee the UK hospitality trade, after over 150,000 people signed a petition seeking parliamentary representation for the fourth biggest workforce in

the country. Plans are now afoot to follow this up with a petition tackling another huge hospitality issue; looking to make it illegal for bartenders to start insta accounts for their dogs.

DEALER DEMO

Another casualty of the repeated hospitality shutdowns pleaded for government assistance this month, as it emerged that the lockdown had almost halved the amount of shitty overpriced cocaine being bought at 1.30am by groups of pissed bartenders who were in at 10am the next day, but didn’t want to go home just yet. DISCARD spoke to That Weird Guy Who Always Hangs About And Doesn’t Pay For Drinks Cos He Sells To
The Owner; “it’s a shambles, this country was built on rat poison cocaine, and I can barely afford to keep up the payments on my BMW, or my other BMW. I obviously don’t pay taxes, but if I did I wouldn’t feel represented at all”.

DRINK UP AND FUCK OFF

Following the success of Rishi’s oddly named ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ scheme, Boris has announced his own endeavor ‘Drink Up and Fuck Off.’ Yep, you can get on the tube with 100 other people, teach a class of 30 snotty kids and even drink yourself stupid from 6am onwards but if you’re in a bar after 10pm - Rona’s gonna getchya.

BEHIND THE SCENES

The news is out. Channel 5 have commissioned a reality TV series about the London bar scene. Each episode focusses on a different aspect of the bar industry and working titles include ‘Call The Guy At 3, Work At 10’, ‘Talking Shit About American Bars Whilst Being Jealous Of The Tips’, ‘Saying “Backs” To People In The Supermarket’ and ‘Pretending To Like That New Bar In Public Then Bitching About It To Your Mates at 3AM.’ Unconfirmed sources are touting Jack McGarry as narrator, subtitles included.

SPIRITED AWARDS 2020

The Tales of The Cocktail Spirited Award nominations are in for 2020 and Ryan Chetiyawardana continues to defy the odds with a nomination for his latest project - Silver Lyan, which was open for a grand total of six days of the nomination period. Top 10 within less than a week! Either America sucks or Ryan’s just really, really good. Jury’s out.  

RISHI SPEAKS OUT

This week Rishi Sunak revealed his bold new plan to jump start the hospitality industry and provide much needed aid to workers badly affected by the shut down. A spokesperson said “yeah honestly we’ll be honest we didn’t do it. We just don’t give a shit about small businesses. We’re dealing with Sports Direct and Wetherspoons right now. Our bad.”

2020 DRINKS TRENDS

A new trends report from Drinks International today looked in depth at the drinks we should be expecting to see more of in light of the home cocktail upswing. The new on-trend beverages include such delights as “That Beer I Found From That Party We Had One Time”, “I Dunno, I Think It’s Some Aniseed Thing From Cyprus”, and the ever popular “Jesus Alright If Malibu Is All That’s Left”. Julien DeFeral added “I predicted this in 2018 guys, I posted it in the LBA.”

CRAIG FUCKING HARPER

Craig Harper has confirmed that he will be donating the contents of his swear jar to The Drinks Trust. Reports suggest he has raised over £100,000 in four days through repeated use of the words ‘fuck’, ‘shit’ and ‘bastard’. Asked for his comments, Mr. Harper responded ‘Awa' an bile yer heid yer bawbag’.

THE DEAN CALLAN SHOW

Dean Callan has announced new content for his eponymous YouTube channel including documentary shorts such as ‘how to use a spoon’ and ‘filling a glass with liquid’. A 4 hour feature film detailing the construction of his cabin has been slated for 2021. 

BARTENDERS LOVE GIN

Thames Distillers this week announced first quarter profits of £39 trillion, which the company puts down to every bartender with 5 shifts under their belt demanding their own 40 quid small batch esoteric gin. A spokesperson for the company was quoted as saying “lol gin is gross but we will take their money.” 

FHPDT IS OPEN

With enforced lockdown decimating the on-trade across the globe, one New York institution has re-branded to take advantage of the commercial opportunities and untapped customers that may arise as the U.S.A opens back up.

Fucking Hell Please Do Tell is open from Monday. Booking and walk-ins are welcome, call 0800-PLEASE- COME-AND-VISIT-US now.

REPEAT AFTER ME

Pubs in the UK opened up again this month and have employed the use of consultancy firms to train staff on what to expect after more than a year of closures. One such company - Pintz4U - spoke to DISCARD about their services: “people have forgotten the basics of pub etiquette. We show them how to open a packet of crisps flat so everyone can share; the unimpeachable sovereignty of the pool table winner-stays-on rule; and crucially, to show them how to go ‘WHEEEY’ when someone drops a glass.”

JANUARY BLUES

A new type of Stockholm Syndrome has been diagnosed
in major UK cities, as hospitality workers inexplicably missed
the horrific clientele December usually brings with it. Said one out of work restaurant worker “I work in the City and I feel like this year no one is going to call me “sweetheart”, pat my bum and tell me they’re only having a laugh,
or even be sick in the toilets then come back and breathe on me. Our managers are having to take

turns throwing each other out over Zoom to blow off steam, and I’ve heard the bartenders are forlornly making flaming quaran-borghinis. Somethings got to give”.

R.I.P. IMBIBE

U.S bartenders this month were shocked to learn that their
beloved Imbibe was to shutter
their doors, taking to social media to vociferously air their protests, before learning it was the U.K version and they didn’t care, then swiftly going back to accusing each other of being socialists.

FAKE NEWS IS HARD

DISCARD have confirmed that their Fake News feature is proving really fucking hard at the moment because it sucks to take the piss out of people when bars are closing and jobs are dissapearing at an alarming rate and governments around the world are proving woefully inept at giving a shit about our industry. Still, we persevere. Meta.

INTRODUCING H20

Discard learned earlier this month of big plans in the no and low alcohol sector. Rumours are afoot about a new 0% ABV, zero calorie beverage, created from cloud vapours, with the working title of Aitch Two Ohh. So far consumer testing has been promising, with Pernod Ricard and Diageo pledging six figure marketing funds to promote it. 

UNPRECEDENTED TIMES

As London cocktail bars continue to adapt their offering to accommodate home drinkers, a Shoreditch bar is rumored to be adding a coked up bartender, short aggressive doorman and a stale cigarette atomizer to their online store. A source reports that for an additional £10 they’ll urinate on your toilet seat and vomit on your carpet. [REDACTED] was not available for comment.

CLAP FOR OUR BARTENDERS

Boris Johnson is said to be considering plans to implement a mandatory 8pm applause every Saturday to show appreciation for our out-of-work bartenders. A No. 10 spokesperson said “they’ve been so brave; these people haven’t been able to swing lights, rap along to Biggie, or take their body weight in shit cocaine for ages. They haven’t shoved mezcal negronis down anyone’s throats for three months now, it’s time to show some support.”

THREE SHEETS TO LAUNCH NEW MENU

Three Sheets have released their new cocktail menu featuring new, innovative and creative serves such as the ‘whiskey soda’, ‘gin soda’, ‘vodka soda’, ‘tequila soda’, ‘rum soda’ and the boundary pushing ‘vodka soda with a dash of cranberry’. Rumors are circulating around the highly awaited ‘cachaca soda’, ‘genever soda’, ‘arrack soda’ and ‘just plain old soda’.

BARTENDER CROWDFUNDING

Bartenders are increasingly turning to crowdfunding as a method of getting the essential investments they need to run their businesses into the ground. A source told Discard “it’s much more difficult to be completely irresponsible if it’s your own money, this is a brilliant solution and allows me to focus on what’s important: me.”

#DIVERSITY

A London bar celebrated its deep commitment to diversity this week, appointing a new head of the Jesus We Need To Sort This Shit Out We Got Caught Only Hiring White Dudes For A Century And That One Polish Barback Didn’t Seem To Fix It department. When asked for comment a spokesperson said “we think all people are created equally, just ask Marek the dishwasher.”

50 BEST BOTTLED COCKTAILS

William Read Media has announced their newest venture, a global countdown of the World’s 50 Best Bottled Cocktails, sponsored by a sparkling water brand because they’re the ones with the most money. We’re told the panel is super diverse but they’re still keeping it secret, obviously. Points will be deducted for wonky labels, inconsistent washlines and suspicious acids, which means we’re all fucked. Sorry guys.

2020 TRENDS

Consumer trend reports are in from ‘the big three’ who spend millions to give vital insights into the inner workings of the global industry from the year prior. Early indications are that... People stayed in more. Oh, and spritzes and mezcal and stuff. Sales are down and everyone’s a bit depressed. I think we can all agree this was money well spent on some amazing research. See you next year!

CLICK + COLLECT

Police in East London underestimated the tenacity of alcohol seeking consumers when tear gas, water cannons and rubber bullets completely failed to stop people congregating in Bethnal Green trying to get a pint from
the hatch at The Sun Tavern. One anonymous woman told DISCARD “I mean yeah we got a bit wet, and there is the odd bout of incredible searing pain, but we quite fancied a drink, I’m trying to support local business and also fuck Boris over and over and over until he dies”. Fair enough really.

1-2-3! L-C-C!

LCC’s JJ Goodman has confirmed rumors that his venues have
been awarded a multi-million- pound government vaccination contract, based on the skills of their bartenders - the quickest arms in the west. Reportedly, GM Cressida

Lawlor has broken the vaccination speed record, with twenty-two jabs per minute. The new contract means London should be fully vaccinated within fourteen working days, topping the global polls, plus everyone gets 2-4-1 mojitios during vaccination hours.

STADTKIND ULM

In an entirely unprecedented move, German bar Stadtkind Ulm has announced plans to change their name to Zwei Schmucks. The owners commented ‘It just came to us entirely randomly, it’s never been done before, you know? We actually have never even logged on to Instagram in our lives, or followed 50 Best Bars, or Tales of The Cocktail, so our ideas are totally original. What do you mean there’s a bar called Two Schmucks? Nah, we’ve never heard of them. Danke’

SOBER OCTOBER

News just in - Sober October has officially been cancelled. After years of giving their livers 30 days off per annum, the Sober October organisers have confirmed they are absolutely, uncompromisingly, gagging to get pissed on the daily. A press release states ‘due to the ongoing unmitigated shitshow that is 2020, we can’t face not drinking for that long so we’re planning to basically just get on it the entirety of October and maybe into November and December too.’ Can’t blame them TBH, sign us up.

AMBASSADOR IGTV

The stats are in! A total of 15,000 brand ambassadors have taken to their Instagram accounts this past month to show the bar industry how to make drinks at home and we can confirm that absolutely no one gives a shit. Not a single person. One bartender commented “it’s like showing a carpenter how to cut wood, I just don’t get it”. Same, bartender. Same. 

#EGGSALADROLL

Brown Forman UK have confirmed that they’ve adapted their advocacy program in light of the COVID-19 crisis. Their official #woodfordroll #tennesseeroll and #NYroll hashtags will be replaced by #eggsaladroll #homemadeveggiesausageroll and #bellyroll for the foreseeable.  

SPANISH SCHMUCKS

In an effort to embrace their adopted homeland, the owners of Two Schmucks have confirmed they they’ve downloaded Spanish Language ‘Duo Lingo’. An official press release states ‘hola, cerveza?’

CROWDFUNDERTENDERS

Bartenders are increasingly turning to crowdfunding as a method of getting the essential investments they need to run their businesses into the ground. A source told Discard “it’s much more difficult to be completely irresponsible if it’s your own money, this is a brilliant solution and allows me to focus on what’s important: me.”

CHEERS, EBOLA! 

In the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic AB InBev have announced plans to change the name of their top selling beer ‘Corona’ to ‘Exciting Bottle Of Light Ale - Served As a Refeshing Sipper’ or ‘EBOLA-SARS’ for short. The beverage powerhouse hopes that the new branding will help squash dwindling sales resulting from their association with the virus.