The Place in Which I Fit

My name is Chris Cabrera, my pronouns are they and them. If you don’t understand what that means, that’s okay.

The first step is understanding that I do not identify as male or female, so when people talk about me they use non-gendered pronouns like they and them. Imagine you’ve never met me, how would you know my gender? Cool, right?

I’ve always spoken up and had to fight for who I am. That’s been my entire existence. Going from a bartender, to a brand ambassador, to now an activist has happened organically. The training for it was simply my series of life experiences. I was called to the forefront more recently with the rise of social justice issues and the discussion of concepts like diversity and inclusion. With the help of Bacardi’s platform and resources, I’ve been able to educate and advocate globally for my community; specifically the LGBTQ+ and POC communities.

My community has relied on the bar since the early inception of our liberation, but we became as segregated in the bar world as we were in society at large. Gay spaces were illegal, mysterious, but most importantly: hidden. Parts of our community still stay hidden out of fear. To this day, trans people of colour are disproportionately harassed, assaulted, and murdered with little to no attention from anyone in the media or beyond. Pride parades are popular for one beautiful month of the year here in the US, but come July, we’re all still gay. Now we, as a bar industry (and humanity as whole), are on the precipice of a new era, a fresh start. Society is calling for all of us to be better, safer, and more inclusive, and that must start in our societal gathering places. The world is a more fluid place now and the importance of inclusive bar spaces cannot be understated. Bars and restaurants need to be safe, inclusive spaces for both clientele and staff, equally.

The queer community is resilent, because we’ve always had to be. We’ve always taken care of our own. Bars, early on, were the only places we could meet with our friends, our lovers, our chosen family. Gay bars were where the terms “safe space” originated. So when the AIDS crisis was occurring in the eighties and nineties, the sick and abandoned would often come to the bar for care and resources when the medical community and society at large turned their backs on the “gay plague”. We were ostracised. The bar was and is the cornerstone of our community. During the pandemic, Grey Goose and I partnered with Another Round, Another Rally to create micro-grants specifically designed for the often overlooked parts of our community, the drag queens, DJs, and other positions in the industry that we don’t always think of. The pandemic disproportionately affected black and brown people, and the LGBTQ+ community. This was money to pay for food, electricity, and cell phones. Point being, we still look after each other today, because we have to.

The world we live in is changing. Social movements are changing the way the world sees itself. While there may still be mystery shrouded around parts of my community, the world is acknowledging our place in it. It’s demanding that we value all members of society the same way we’ve valued white cisgender people. It’s also happening in our industry. Our industry is diverse, and it always has been. The problem is that that diversity has never been valued the same way. Today’s world is starting to acknowledge its privilege, recognise the status quo, to realise that just being good at your job isn’t enough anymore. Knowing every in and out about your brand, how to make a great cocktail, having an exquisite palate, or displaying technique that is untouchable, it’s just not enough. What do you stand for? What is your mission? How do you  better society around you? How do you create a more diverse and inclusive space? These are the questions that we, and the world, are going to be asking of ourselves.

So now what? Firstly, live by this rule: Don’t be performative, be actionary. Don’t do something for the look of it, think permanent. Authenticity means more now than ever. Second, create transparency. Discuss your thoughts, ideas, and plans. We’re in this together, so include everyone in the conversation; but know that change starts at the top. Leaders, you must inspire and empower the people around you. The status quo is dead. The only way to move forward is to fully dismantle the system that has only served a small portion of society. Have you ever noticed a pattern in who is chosen for things like brand representation, influential positions, and award ceremonies? Is it always folx that tend to look very similar, or come from very similar backgrounds or places? This is the 1%. This is who the system works for. This is privilege. They did not ask for this privilege, it was given to them by a system that was setup long before they came to it. Together, we can break it and build something new. 

Education; it is a massive part of modern day activism. You don’t know what you don’t know. So start here. What is diversity and what is inclusion? It’s one thing to have a group of people sitting around a table that all look very different. This is diversity. But are all of them being heard and valued the same way? Do their viewpoints carry the same weight? This is inclusion. Today’s leaders will need to ask themselves some hard questions like “What kind of a leader am I?” “How am I shaping the people that I work with or who work for me?” “How am I showing that I’m inclusive?” “Are all the opportunities I create and encounter being offered to everyone?” and my personal favorite: “How am I encouraging people that may want to be in my position but have never been encouraged to do so?” It is ideas like this that need to be embraced on all levels of whatever kind of space you inhabit. Educate yourself and your staff or colleagues on what these ideas mean. One last question I think everyone should be asking of themselves is “Am I on the right side of history?” Explore and embrace social justice issues. It’s the difference between being an ally, and being an advocate. An ally will side with you, an advocate will fight for you. You cannot create a safe and inclusive space without education, transparency, and trust.

Right now, it’s not weird to walk into a place and be greeted with “hey guys”, or “hello ladies”. When you are, or are with, someone who is gender non-comforming, there’s an immediate pang of awkwardness. While it may not even show on someone’s face, being misgendered is a moment when you realise that someone has made an assumption about you that is wrong. Remember when we talked about being actionary? Here’s a great place to start: embrace “hey folks”, “hey gang”, and “hey y’all”. Step one for a more inclusive society is to remove all assumptions about who you think someone is by how they look. The world is fluid, and this applies to both your staff and your clientele. Never assume the person in front of you is a “he” or “she”. Never use a phrase like, “that drink is for the lady.” Instead use a phrase like “the guest in the blue shirt.” Use group language that doesn’t carry gender. Cut out all “hey ladies,” or “hey guys” from the vocabulary. And in fine dining restaurants, cut out pronouns all together. “Hello” and “welcome” are just as warm without having to gender your guests and risk a terribly awkward situation. 

When and if you feel comfortable enough, please ask “by the way, what are your pronouns?” When people ask me for my pronouns, I am very grateful and I see that they’re taking the steps. While it may not be very comfortable for them to initially start to do this, you have to understand that it’s just as uncomfortable for someone like me to be referred to as “sir” or “ma’am”, than it is for you to ask me for my pronouns. It really is a two way street. By respecting someone’s pronouns, you are validating their identity. Even if this validation doesn’t mean much to you, their identity is something they’ve likely struggled with their whole lives. I know mine is. When I came out 25 years ago, there were 4 letters: LGBT. So I (somewhat begrudingly) indentified as a lesbian. It was only a few years ago that I realized I’m actually not a woman at all, at least, not completely. I’m non-binary. I tow the line between having both genders. Therefore, my pronouns are all inclusive: them and they. Using the pronouns they and them are different and usually pretty difficult for anyone who’s never had to use them. There is patience from the non-binary and trans community when we see the person interacting with us trying. And this may seem like a small, maybe not even perceptible step, but trust me, for my community, it goes a very long way. I’ll always remember how comfortable my partner and I were at a place when we didn’t have to feel the jarring embarrassment of being misgendered. It will stay with me because I know how comfortable I was made to feel, and I’ll share this with my community. When you respect someone’s pronouns, you are validating their identity; and this must apply to both staff and guests. Anyone who is gender non-conforming has likely spent their entire lives figuring out who they are. Respect the struggle. And when you do happen to misgender someone (and we all will, myself included), it’s important to recognise it, apologise, and then move on from it. Recognising that you did make a mistake and addressing it is accountability. You will get better at it and eventually it will become muscle memory, it just takes practice.

Next step to a more inclusive society has to do with one of the most mundane things we do as humans: using the restroom. When was the last time you used a public restroom? Was it such a natural decision that it didn’t even cross your mind that you might be in the wrong room? Imagine if you ALWAYS felt like (or were literally told that) you were in the wrong restroom? This is why gender neutral restrooms are so important. When you’re non-binary or gender non-conforming, or trans, this becomes a massive source of anxiety, for (as I said) a remarkably mundane task. As a non-binary and masculine presenting person, I will quite literally stand between both doors and ask myself two things. First, which door will I be safest in? And the second, what degree of harassment am I willing to handle? I’ve been very fortunate that my life choices and career have been able to keep me primarily in two relatively queer friendly cities in the United States: San Francisco for eleven years, and now New York City for the last three. These are places that someone like me can feel comfortable in because of the prevalence of my community there. In those cities, I know that I’m rarely the only queer, non-binary, or POC in the room. There’s also a remarkably normalised culture around gender neutral restrooms. These are ways that bar owners, restaurants, and hotels show that they respect their clientele. It also speaks volumes to how much they respect their staff. It shows that they value creating a safe space for everyone who walks through those doors. It removes a culture of fear, harassment, and even danger for people like me. 

I was presenting a seminar in Denver for Sean Kenyon and his staff at the beginning of the year on these ideas. Sean owns three amazing and award winning bars there, and after my presentation, realised that only one of them had gender neutral bathrooms. Later that night, we were touring one of the bars when he asked me to join him in the hallway. There, I watched him take down and destroy the Men’s and Women’s signs that were hanging outside the two doors. It was moving for both of us. And I know it meant a lot to his staff and his patrons, too. That was the moment his actions changed from being an ally, and to being an advocate. In a culture with gender neutral restrooms, the queer community should no longer have to be afraid that we’ll be sneered at, or mocked, or physically assaulted because of how we look and how we identify; at least not while we’re also doing human’s most mundane task. This is huge.

Did you realise there was a subtle (okay, sometimes subtle) way to let the queer community know that they are safe and welcome in your establishment? You don’t have to be known as a “gay bar” (or brand) to be known as a place that is safe and inclusive. Something as small as a rainbow sticker, flag, or pin, is a huge sign to the community that you acknowledge and respect us. When walking down the street, my partner and I will always recognize the LGBTQ+ flag and note it as a place that shares our values and will be an ally if we need them. Which also means they have our loyalty. It’s something that our community at large will notice as well and our loyalty runs deep. A safe space means a place for diversity; diversity in your clientele as well as your staff. The most obvious sign of an inclusive bar, is a diverse and inclusive staff. Bartenders, you have a thing for pins, don’t you? Add a rainbow to it; any kind, any shape, whatever you want. The queer community will see your support. You are creating a safe space, where all folx will be welcomed and treated with respect, no matter how they identify. You are someone who encourages all kinds of people to your space, and validates them for who they are. This is how we create space for the normalisation of inclusion and diversity on both sides of our bar.

Bars are the center of our social universe, and society is changing. We must create new spaces meant for everyone. Today’s bars must be safe and inclusive byways like having gender neutral restrooms, respecting pronouns, and encouraging a diverse staff and clientele. It’s most important that everyone feels safe. It’s an easy ask, we all want to do it. It’s the human part of us. We want to protect others, because it’s in our nature. We want our staff, colleagues, and guests to feel comfortable. We want them to know that we see them, validate them, and we respect them. We need to see and understand our industry’s diversity, and value those contributions equally. Everyone needs to know that they have value in the place they work, and that their viewpoints and opinions are heard and respected, no matter how differently they look or identify. Encourage them to reach for things they’ve never thought to do before. They need to be given all the same opportunities and support that their straight, cisgender, white counterparts have been given time and time again. 

This is how we reject the status quo. We must reject people who want things to stay the same way, to only serve a small fraction of society. The way the industry was run before is dead, a thing of the past, and good riddance. Together, we can dismantle the system that was built long before our generation. Better yet, we can rebuild it into a system that gives equal opportunity to all, and welcome every part of society to the party. Bartenders are key leaders of society, whether we/they realise it or not. We are examples of culture, and we can normalise culture. We must normalise the culture of respecting and validating people’s pronouns, and their identities. Above all, keep educating yourself, read books, listen to podcasts, watch documentaries to better understand the marginalized people in your space. This is called emotional labour. Don’t ask someone else to do it for you. Change doesn’t come easy. Start small. Everyone has the opportunity to change, and when you come from a marginalised community you have to believe that. I come from two. I’m not only queer but I am also indigenous and POC, so the hope for us is that the world and society can and will get better. There’s a whole new generation willing to do the work. And if you’re still reading this, you’re a part of it.

Activism takes an emotional toll on oneself. The fight for justice, inclusivity, diversity, and equity is a fight that consumes one’s soul and can easily deter you if you don’t keep yourself inspired. I surround myself with the advice from activists both with me now, and that have paved roads before me to keep driving me. One such activist is the late, great, James Balwin. Baldwin once said, 

“The place in which I fit will not exist until I make it.”